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Hello
this is : AELIS WORLD
welcome to the warped side of life.
enjoy(:
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i am AELIS
aka SILEA
i love the FRENCH HORN & TRUMPET and the CELLO!
i love STCBAND! many instruments, one sound. many sections, one family!
i love the HORNS & TRUMPETS! GO HORNIES & TRUMPETERS!
i am currently in sec 4 ATOMIC! watch out, we'll blow you away!
i was born on ohfive onetwo ninefour. presents are always welcome(:
i am taking part in CHINGAY 2010! look out for me!
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Monday, September 24, 2007 @5:53:00 AM
♥ aelispeaks:beginning of another song.
ow. it hurts. inside and out. anyway. here's another song...or at least the beginning of it. 2 paragraphs or whatever you call it. verses?
Last night, barely a Monday
I slashed my wrists…hey.
I didn’t expect the blade to be so sharp
Or for it to hurt so much
But compared to what I felt just then
It doesn’t really hurt…or maybe I’m round the bend.
When I didn’t see blood
I thought it was a dud
Like all the other times. Then the blood started to flow
Gently, on it, I started to blow.
Then the pain came
It hurt like when needles rain
All upon my skin
I swept everything into the bin
It hurt so much
I can’t even touch
it, for fear I burst out in pain.
Again.
my mom says she wants to know me...that she doesn't know me. but what can i tell her? when all she'll do is tell me off. and not really help at all. she still thinks i'm with rod. she keeps talking about him...doesn't know that it still hurts me. she doesn't know i got another guy. but that was over fast. and now i'm still messed up. kinda. trying not to be. but it's hard. she doesn't know anything, doesn't understand me. and when i show a little of it she thinks i'm just being 'bad' and scolds. she said 'i don't know you. you're being brought up by your friends, your friend's parents...' yeah. so what? is that such a bad thing? i have many friends. i get different experiences, more than you can ever give me. you just want me to be 'perfect' 'hardworking' 'good'. yeah. why don't you try living my life for a while...feel what i feel. you know in the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, they found that gun which lets the person you 'shoot' know what you feel and think? well if i had that gun i'd shoot her a million times over. but then...i bet she still wouldn't understand. she'd be all 'parent-y' and look at it from an 'adult's point of view'. or something like that. it really hurts...when she doesn't understand.
take tonight for example. i was doing art and listening to music, so when she yelled i didn't hear. then i thought i heard something so i paused the music to listen. nothing. i was about to play it again, then she yelled for me to come out. so i did. then she told me to take in my bags bla bla bla. she said 'we want to have dinner. take away your bag etc...' note: we want to have dinner. not anything like 'we're going to have dinner soon... can you clear your stuff?' like it's sian and her who want to eat and my opinion, if i'm stuffed so full i'll get indigestion doesn't matter. then after i did clear it, i went back to my frustrating art.
then once i finished, i thought, 'hey. aren't we supposed to be having dinner?' so i walk out to check. and guess what? they're in front of the tv...yeah...dinner. eating their fill of the show. and i stand there for like...1 min and she doesn't turn or say 'ok let's eat.' she doesn't even notice i'm there.
so since they're watching tv i go into the room and finish my book. then while i'm reading i hear her yell 'chi fan le!' which is time to eat in chinese btw. but since sian is there to help, and she has delayed for so long anyway, i go on reading. then sian comes in and flips the quilt and says (harshly) 'dinner is ready. can you come and help set the table?' like WHAT? are you DISABLED so you can't do it yourself?? then when he flips the quilt, my mom's handbag slides off and a metal bit hits my ankle. hard. so obviously it hurts. alot. so when he walks out i cry a little. but again no one notices.
then i walk into the toilet, where i suddenly start tearing. yes i know it's a bad place but whatever. but i stop, and walk out. so i scoop the rice etc etc etc. and we start to eat. there's curry but it looks hot so i don't try it. there's pumpkin which i thought i might try. but it isn't offered to me. the only things that are said are pass the plate etc. so i take the carrots first since mom is taking the fishcake. i take one bite and (no not because of the taste or flavor) i start tearing again. i try to stop but can't. so i get up and go to the toilet again. she does not notice.
this time it takes longer to stop tearing, but when i do i flush the toilet and wash my hands...so it doesn't seem weird. then i go out and finish my dinner. nothing else is said to me. so i walk back into the room where my art is. it looks hopeless. like all my other artworks. but i see the scissors there...so i pick it up. i meant to make small scratches...like i usually do. but this one is sharper...so i didn't think i had scratched to much. but i don't feel anything till it starts bleeding. then it starts to smart a little. so i come to the com...sudden inspiration for a song. so there it is, the first two stanzas/verses of my latest song. and now i shall go publish this post. night people.
hurtingly yours,
{silea}
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